Reflection

Reading and writing is my ebb and flow. For the last three months I took time to dive into the words of Black women I admire in search of answers. Reading Barbara Smith, Gabrielle Union, and Jesmyn Ward in hopes that something in their stories will help me uncover myself. It did. Yet, it left me with questions about the way the world twists Black women into problems instead of people. I wonder how many Black women are taught that pain will forever be intertwined with our pleasure. It was a lesson I learned early in my girlhood. Learning to be comfortable with broken promises and the bare minimum because what else did I have? We become conditioned to endure neglect, trauma, and violence and find the love in it to survive. We pick apart the good from the bad and find something to anchor us in dysfunction. It becomes our normal to accept less than because we cannot imagine a world where we receive everything we want. Now, at twenty-one I am building that world for myself. It’s hard work because first I must repair the damage. I must sit with myself and learn where the broken pieces lay. It will not be easy, but this is the care I deserve.

4 U

This is something like a journal entry. A quick and vulnerable piece that needed to be seen. Not everything I post will be a polished piece and these short interludes reflect where I am at in life. Sending everyone so much love, xo.

I hate the way the world taught me to search for love. It was always inside of a man and never inside of myself. The movies only had happy endings if there was a wedding. Nobody wrote scripts where the girl lives her life, goes to school, and goes on a long journey of loving herself without the trials and tribulations of searching for a man. It was always centered on men; their pleasure, their peace, and their purpose. It gives a terrible message. For years I grew up thinking that happiness meant that I had to find the right one (and that one was never me). They were always a man and tall and athletic. Never did the story teach me that love could begin and end with me. I was a piece of the puzzle that needed someone else to hold me together. So I spent my teenage years searching for that fairytale love story of a boy who would make me some version of complete. Ultimately, I found many boys and none of them came with any great revelation or treasure. So here I am twenty years old, in college, and just now figuring out that intimacy knows no bounds and that love can be found wherever I want (and has no business anywhere I don’t want it). Only recently have I fallen deeply in love with a friend of mine. It is romantic and platonic all at once. I have no desire for a romantic partnership with him. Yet, his friendship is one of the most loving embraces I have ever felt. Our love is honest, unexplainable, and whole. I am not expected to be any one version of myself. I do not have to be the leader, or the brainiac, or the bitch. In fact, he finds all those single labels to be limiting and would much rather discuss all the possibilities of who I am. Through him I am learning intimacy and all her power. Together we are learning how to be vulnerable and in doing this he, and copious amounts of books, are helping me learn that everything I love about love is in me. I love compassion, bravery, and fury. I am compassionate, brave, and overflowing with fury. I love because it is an extension of me, heart and soul. I am erasing the way the world taught me to search for love. I am loving me, first, forever, and always.

A Year of Moving Forward

In 2017, I made a promise to live my life by moving forward. I vowed to let life be felt. Too often people confuse living and surviving. Survival is anticipation. You move through life waiting for your future. Living is experiencing all that each day is offering you. It took a lot of breaking, discovery, and healing, but I made decision to always move forward. 

Let's be clear: moving forward does not mean I ignore what hurts. I do not simply shrug off my pain and smile. That is unrealistic. Instead, I allow myself to feel without regret. If I am meant to cry then I cry. If I am angry then I allow it. Moving forward is a lesson in progress not perfection. 

Now, here I am, young and black and a woman and daring to live. An essential part of my journey to moving forward was doing what I wanted to without hesitation.

First, I read. I delved into the works of Upile Chisala, James Baldwin, and Cleo Wade. I spent hours in the African American history archives at Emory University learning about the importance of preserving the past. These lessons continued at the Avery Research Center in Charleston, South Carolina as I held the shackles worn by enslaved people throughout the American south. 

Second, I spoke up. I stopped keeping my thoughts to myself in class and in meetings. I tweeted a lot. I asked questions. Slowly I began to realize that everybody is not for me-- thank God.

Finally, I traveled (well as much as a college student can travel with low funds and no passport). Leaving my comfort zone allowed me to learn by experiencing the incredible world around me. I got my nose pierced  in Atlanta. My boyfriend and I ate our way through Charlotte in a summer. I explored a Native American community in Tennessee.  In December, I ended the year by taking my first trip to Los Angeles, California and attending the first ever Teen Vogue Summit. 

This site is a product of my year long journey. Here is a space entirely mine to vent, to explore, to edit, and--most importantly-- to be vulnerable. Here is where I pledge that I have something to say. Here is where I say it.

Hopefully you are here to listen because this journey will read like poetry. 

Entering this site is a decision you are making to take a look at all my scars. I am laying them out for you. There will be tears, laughs, and lots of frustration. Some of you will think I am sharing too much. Well perhaps I am. Some of you will be looking for the naked details of what causes all this pain. Well you might find out. Then there are the blessed few of you who will feel all of these posts. My anger, happiness, and dreams will resonate with you. To you all I say welcome.

Thank you for joining me in this space.

Love,

Bry.

Pride & Rejection: A Lesson in Failure

Nobody ever tells you the key to defeating failure is to embrace it. So here I am telling you.

What if I told you failure is the only path to success? Therefore, if you don't fail at least three times a week then you aren't doing enough. Yes, I just told you to pursue failure. I want you to fall down again and again. I want you to draft, delete, re-write, and hate it all over again. Why? Because failure is not about the task. It does not matter what goal you are striving toward that week. I need you to understand that right now. Failure is not about the award you never got or the good noodle sticker your fourth grade math teacher never gave you. All these goals are markers that you set. You control how they impact you. The essential part of growth is not your to-do list, your resume, or your vision board-- it's you. Failure is about who you are once you hit the ground.

You are going to fail. Accept it. You will chase after jobs, projects, and people that will never be yours. Then you will question exactly who you are and where you are meant to be. That's great. It's called reflection. Instead of letting that questioning turn into doubt use this moment as a catalyst for change. Take your moment. Let the pain settle, but do not stay down. Grab a piece of paper and write: what is causing you the most pain? where is there room for growth? how can you be better prepared next time? what steps will you take to fortify yourself for the next failure? These questions promote growth. That's the goal.

Failure is not final. Anybody who tells you otherwise is plotting on your downfall. They are invested in seeing you suffer and you need to let them go. 

So this week we are committing to failing with purpose. Consistent failure brings consistent growth. It takes time to get it right.

Remember failure does not mean ruin and progress does not mean you are complete. 

A Lesson in Friendship: The Myth of the Strong Friend

For as long as I can remember having friends I have filled one consistent role: the strong friend. Through high school and now college I have been dubbed one of those people who has life together. As a result, I often feel neglected in friendships. I am the one who reaches out, checks up on, and offers affirmation with very little reciprocation. If you have someone close to you that fits the mold of the strong friend here are five simple ways to give them the care they deserve. 

1. Talk to them.

When's the last time you asked them about their day? Sometimes the little, intentional steps go a long way. Make time in your day or your week to reach out to them. Call them. Ask them if they have time to hang out. Showing the strong friend that their issues and problems also deserve time gives them space to be vulnerable. 

2. Avoid force.

Do not corner your strong friend. In fact, don't corner anybody. Corners are bad. Create an open, affirming space for them to share their struggles and be flawed. The pressure, conscious or not, of being the strong friend can build to horrible breaking points. Avoid falling into the trap of forcing them to open up to you all at once. Offer them the chance to share with you and open up organically.

3. Don't assume.

In general, assumptions do more harm than good. Try not to assume your strong friend's emotions. A more constructive route is to give them an avenue to come forward and be supported. Think about how they care for you and others. Give them space and time to lean into you. Be kind. Handle them with the same care they give. Often times they know how to be there for others in a way they wish others could be there for them.

4. Let them be whole.

The role of the strong friend is often two dimensional. The strong friend gives, protects, and cares for others while simutaneously trying to hold themselves together. Don't flatten them into their actions. They are more than a listener, a leader, a caregiver. They can master all these things and still have so much more underneath. Take time to acknowledge that they are a whole human being who can make mistakes, be flawed, and grow. 

5. Do better. 

Evaluate your role in the friendship. Do you support their passions? Do you help them navigate trauma? Is all your feedback based on their flaws? Do you help them understand how to grow in the areas they lack? Lots of foolishness can be pushed under the guise of constructive criticism. Be honest and critique yourself as a friend. If you are failing them in an area (or two) take them time to acknowledge that and start to amend the relationship before it's too late.

Take time today to comfort your strong friend. They need support no matter how tough they seem. Life is full of moments of self doubt that can impact the strongest of us in the most complicated ways. And for the strong friends out there: never be afraid of demanding the love and compassion you deserve. You are worthy of that love and so much more. 

No More Free Therapy: A Lesson In Reciprocity

As a child my number one pet peeve was inconsistency. I hated whenever my father cancelled plans or when my mother never told me exactly what the plan for the day was. Too many variables frequently meant that something was not going to work out for someone. Routinely that someone was me. 

Now, my childhood battle with inconsistency usually means disruption and disappointment. In my 20s I now battle with the inconsistency of adulthood. In my professional life, plans changing and deadlines moving can turn my entire calendar upside down. In my social life, inconsistent friends translates to mountains of conflict-- internal and external. Through it all it is important not to let inconsistencies in my life turn into dead ins. There is always something to be learned (even when the lesson seems incomplete). The lesson hidden underneath my inconsistent friendships was about support and emotional labor.

In struggling with an inconsistent friendship for the past three months I learned a crucial lesson about myself. I give too much. My supportive nature made me prone to giving a listening ear and a helping hand to people who often were absent in my times of distress. Examining the pain these failing relationships caused me revealed a trend. I was giving too much across the board. Several relationships that I was feeding into were not giving me the support I needed. Instead of checking in on myself and my own well-being I was busy giving others support. Essentially, I was giving free therapy to others while having little time to check in with myself. I was ignoring a core standard of relationships: reciprocity.

Reciprocity is key to every relationship we have. In relationships-- romantic, platonic, and career based-- there must be reciprocity. Without reciprocity there is room for miscommunication, distrust, and resentment. To avoid these conflicts there must be clear standards. A few questions that are helpful in checking that our relationships are fulfilling are: What do I gain from this relationship? Am i affirmed in this relationship? Who would I be without this relationship? Do I give more than my partner? Could I be giving more in this relationship? These questions give us a foundation for understanding where our relationships may be more draining than they are fulfilling.

Going into a new year there are new chances to grow and evolve my thinking. One of the big growth targets on my list this year is not stop being a therapist to anybody unless I am getting paid. Unpaid emotional labor is a huge problem and I will no longer be doing sessions worth of work for free. I am no longer settling for one-sided relationships. That's over. 

The lesson to be learned here is simple: we are going after exactly what we deserve and nothing less. Do not settle for less in relationships. Accepting less support, love, and compassion than you require is a sin against yourself. Who knows how much your life could change with fulfilling relationships? Take time to shoutout the people who uplift you. Feeding positive relationships in our lives yields an abundance of positive results. 

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